It Is Not Appearances That Deceive, But Expectations

High expectations often turn out to be sad disappointments. This happens frequently when it comes to people in whom we place desires and hopes that vanish day after day. Because sometimes appearances are not deceiving, but expectations.      

Many of you probably think that in life it is necessary and motivating to maintain high expectations, self-confidence and the feeling that you always deserve the best. High expectations are known to generate greater brain activity and broaden our range of responses when tackling a certain task .

Well, the real problem is not the motivation generated by expectations, but what we attribute to them and the skill with which we mask the risk that, deep down, they hide. Too many people’s expectations are above their reality. It is a common practice and we all know a person who lives eternally disillusioned as no one meets his very high expectations.

Living in the desire for a perfect existence, an ideal emotional relationship or a devoted and self-sacrificing concept of friendship only generates disconsolation. It means falling into the eternal trap of “I deserve the best” without knowing that the best is not necessarily what is “perfect or ideal”,  but what is worth working for day after day, in common, to achieve real happiness, sincere and satisfying.

The trap of expectations, a web of which one remains a prisoner

It is often said that the concept we have of ourselves was woven due to the expectations that others have placed in us  during our life. Our parents, teachers, professors, friends, work colleagues have woven this thin mantle which often contains the image we have of ourselves. If we add to this the expectations that each individual places in the people around him, we will realize the strange web in which we move every day.

Let us think for a moment about this strange irony: many are like others expect them to be, but when they are not, we despair, we are unhappy.

This is a reality that often emerges from couple relationships, because it is common to place too high or rigid expectations in others,  like a self-imposed script that we hope the other person respects to make us happy.

Barry Schwartz, professor of psychology at Swarthmore University and author of books such as “The paradox of choice” explains that, in matters of emotional relationships, we should “economize” in expectations or limit them, focusing on ourselves.           

The phrase “do not expect anything from others, but put your expectations in yourself” hides a grain of truth. We should be able to invest first of all in our personal growth  so as to stop looking for the theoretically perfect and ideal people.

The Michelangelo effect 

Much of the self-help books remind us that “the best is yet to come”, that “what we deserve is around the corner”. Approaches of this kind fill us with illusions and hope, pushing us to continually search for ever better opportunities. However, we must proceed with caution in this sense, for a specific reason: thinking that there is always something better than what we already have can lead us to an eternal and unsuccessful search,  an infinite wait in the hope of something intangible. and illusory.

In relation to this idea, it is good to reflect on the Michelangelo effect. When Michelangelo, the wonderful Renaissance painter, architect and sculptor saw a block of marble, he imagined a sleeping being who deserved to be awakened. The magic was there, hidden and latent. All he had to do was take his work tools and, stroke by stroke, give life to a beautiful work, with patience, originality, ingenuity and passion.

Expectations, therefore, are positive as long as they are realistic and act as an engine for motivation. However, we must never forget that the best relationships are the ones you work on day after day,  because this is how the perfection of the bond is born. This is how the magic of an ideal relationship is born, in that daily commitment in which corners are limited, in which common spaces are sculpted, in which the roundnesses that make a couple special, the places to rest and the reliefs are defined. that define a unique friendship or a special love.

Because in addition to appearance and high expectations, there is undoubtedly the humble beauty of each person, which deserves to be discovered with delicate patience and through a decisive compromise, moment by moment.