Hating Keeps Us Tied To The Person Who Hurt Us
We tend to think that hate is the opposite of love. We believe that when someone hurts us or betrays our trust, our only reaction is to hate and hold a grudge, because that’s what they deserve. We do not realize that hating keeps us tied to that person and that the only way to get rid of it is to forgive and leave behind, in a symbolic way, what happened.
Each of us reacts differently when wronged as adaptive strategies differ from one person to another. And it is true that, at certain times, it can be more beneficial to feel anger than sadness, because the former gives us the impetus and the strength to move forward.
However, when this feeling persists over time, it poisons our soul and keeps us trapped in that painful past.
Why do we hate?
Think about the people you hate or hated at some point in your life. They are not just any people, right? They are certainly individuals who have or have played an important role in your life.
Hate is a very intense emotion which in most cases is the consequence of precise dynamics. We hate when we feel attacked, attacked, violated, when they have attacked our physical or psychological integrity.
In short, to come to hate someone, that person must have found themselves in a privileged position from which they could harm us. We come to hate that parent who was supposed to protect us and abused us, that teacher who was supposed to educate us and instead sunk our self-esteem or that partner who promised to take care of us and abandoned us.
Hate is nothing more than a condemnation. When they hurt us, we condemn others for their sins. We believe they deserve punishment and we want to inflict it on them; and since many times we have no power over them, the only resource we have left is to hate.
Hating keeps us connected to the people who have hurt us
First of all, it is good to know that harboring feelings of hatred towards those who have deeply hurt us is entirely human. All our emotions are valid and we have a right to feel them. It is also understandable to want to punish the person in question. However, the reality is that when we hate it is we who are punished.
They say that holding a grudge is like holding a burning coal in one hand and hoping that the other will catch fire, and that’s true. Those who hate live by harboring darkness within themselves, reliving pain, betrayal and aggression on a daily basis. In this way you remain chained to the person you hate so much, his actions continue to guide and condition the present and getting rid of it becomes impossible.
Maintaining such an intense and negative feeling over time causes enormous emotional loss. When we hate, we keep ourselves tied to our enemy, we continue to invest time and mental energy on him instead of using them to heal.
Only when we accept, forgive and give new value to our experience, will we be able to break the chains that still bind us.
Let’s break free!
Not all faults are equally serious, so in some cases getting rid of it will be more complicated than in others; however, it is an effort worth making, for ourselves. For this, the first and essential step is to accept what has happened.
We need to stop resisting, obsessively thinking that things had to go differently, because the past cannot be changed. You have to accept it as part of your story in order to move forward.
After that, we redefine our experience. This expression refers to the human ability to interpret the same event in different ways. Rather than focus on the pain and injustice that followed, we reflect on the teachings left behind, on how it helped us grow or become stronger; we give a sense and a meaning to what we have experienced.
Finally, we forgive. This step is the most complicated because we may have the feeling of sinning naivety, sparing the other person the punishment they deserve and justifying their actions. However, forgiveness frees you from the burden of hatred. Forgiveness does not mean forgetting the past, but rather preventing it from hurting us again.
