Expect Others To Behave As We Would

The origin of many of our disappointments lies in the fact that we often hope that others will act or behave towards us as we would in their place.  We expect the same sincerity, the same altruism and the same reciprocity, but the values ​​that characterize our heart are not the same as those of the people around us.

Williams James, philosopher, founder of functional psychology and, in turn, brother of Henry James, stated in his theories that an easy way to find happiness was to minimize our expectations. The less you expect, the more you can receive or find. It is certainly a controversial reasoning which, however, follows its own logic.

We all know well that, as far as our relationships are concerned, it is inevitable not to have expectations. We expect certain behaviors and we want to be loved, defended and valued. Well, this leaves us open to the risk that these hopes of ours will fail. Those who expect too much of others end up being hurt: for this, a number of aspects are worth considering.

When we expect others to act in accordance with our expectations

Fathers and mothers who expect their children to act in a certain way,  couples who expect everything from their partners and friends who expect to be supported whatever they do, even if sometimes it goes against their values. All these situations, so common, are clear examples of what we commonly call “the curse of expectations”.

Sometimes, there are even those who believe that what they think, feel or judge is something “normative”,  and come up with a huge list of concepts concerning friendship, love or family, which no one can satisfy. and, therefore, the disappointment falls on both sides. The key to all this lies in balance and, above all, in the need to be realistic.

It is clear that there are certain expectations that are fundamental (not to be betrayed, sincerity, respect, fidelity…),  pillars that support healthy and positive relationships. However, as many people obsess about the “excellence” of bonds, whether it be parent-child bonds, love or friendship, frustration, resentment and, often, anger appear. These aspects must be taken into account.   

How to stop expecting too much of others

No one is naive enough to always need to see the good side of people. We have the right to see it, to seek it and also to praise it,  but with a certain caution and a little prudence. Because disappointment is the sister of great expectations, so it will be more and more appropriate to “not let us blind” ahead of time and to wear the glasses of objectivity and more serene realism.

We can expect a lot from others, but the best thing is to always place the highest expectations on yourself. We ourselves are as complex as they are essential and, for this reason,  as happens with the people around us, we too can disappoint the expectations of others. It is  therefore appropriate to reflect on these dimensions; without a shadow of a doubt, it will be useful to us.

Key points that will help us stop expecting too much of others

To help you stop expecting too much from the people around you, we offer the following tips:

• No one is perfect, not even us. If we were to satisfy the expectations that others project on us and vice versa, we would fall into a dynamic that is as stressful as it is unhappy. It is impossible, no one is perfect. It is enough to respect each other and exercise reciprocity in the humblest way possible.

• Learn to distinguish expectations from addiction.  Sometimes we make other people responsible for our happiness. We place high expectations on someone specifically because we are dependent on what that person offers us, and, therefore, we demand – we need – that they act as we want, because it is the only thing that makes us feel good. Although this often causes great suffering in the other.

• Accept that you don’t always have to get something in return.  This is an aspect that characterizes many people: “If I do you a favor, I expect you to return it to me”, “If I am open and listen to others, I expect others to do the same with me”. Well, whether we like it or not, these things don’t always happen and this is neither good nor bad: it’s just about accepting others exactly for who they are.

To conclude, perhaps William James, whom we quoted at the beginning, was right when he expressed his simple proposal: the less we expect from others, the more we may be surprised. It would simply be a matter of being a little freer and less dependent on the behavior of others.

We can all make mistakes, we are all wonderfully imperfect beings, who try to live together in a sometimes chaotic world,  in which disappointments are inevitable, but in which sincere loves and eternal friendships also coexist.