Adult Children Of Intrusive Mothers: Toxic Bond

A mother’s love is not always unconditional. Sometimes it implicitly causes a share of suffering, an infinite number of conditions and conditioning that mark and leave an imprint. An example of this is undoubtedly that of the adult children of intrusive mothers, people who, despite having reached maturity, carry the weight of this harmful and complex bond.

What about the children? What happens to men?  Recurring phrases in an article about narcissistic, manipulative or distant mothers. It is as if in some way the weight of our culture continues to focus on mother-daughter relationships, leaving in the most absolute myopia that often painful bond that can be established between a son and his mother, especially between adult children of intrusive mothers. .

Perhaps some  theories, such as the Freudian one of the Oedipus complex , have helped to delineate this situation, preferring to emphasize the father-son bond and leaving the world of cinema that more pathological vision between man and his mother.  It is enough to review the films of Alfred Hitchcock to get an idea of ​​how the idea of ​​the influence that an intrusive mother can have in the life of her child has been treated.

We certainly need further insights that provide us with a more realistic description of these dynamics often hidden by society. We are talking about a problem that is difficult to recognize for those who suffer from it. Somehow the “straitjacket” associated with gender is still there, the code of implied masculinity often leads men to situations where they are unlikely to ask for help.

Adult Children of Intrusive Mothers: How Does This Bond Affect Their Lives?

Adult children of intrusive mothers often live in a sphere of silence and constant contradictions. This is due, above all, to what has been said above: the weight of our culture and that code by which the child is obliged to silence his emotions in order to appear strong…  and not be a sissy.

To mask what hurts and to react in the only way he is allowed, with anger. Thus, in a world where men are still equated with the ideal of freedom or independence, it is not easy to accept that the weight of an intrusive, narcissistic and manipulative mother falls on him.

We could say that adult children of intrusive mothers share the same wounds as women. After all, growing up and living with an emotionally unavailable person with classic selfishness, with complaints and a need for control, usually results in the same consequences in men and women.

However, it must be said that this is not always the case, there are exceptions. There are always individual differences, related to one’s personality rather than gender. However, it is also true that it is possible to detect some effects in men that are absent in women. Let’s see them below.  

The recurring use of lies and denials

The child who grew up under the influence of an intrusive mother did not have time to build an authentic and strong identity of his own. For this reason, lying is a very common survival mechanism in these cases.  At first he will do it so as not to disappoint the mother, to avoid the sense of guilt, but making use of this resource as a child he will then apply it in any area in adulthood.

The lie serves to protect oneself, to hide one’s emotions, to please the mother and to survive in more or less any context.

Marked emotional containment

Adult children of intrusive mothers are often emotionally nullified by this influence. By suppressing the child’s emotional energy, the child soon realizes that showing feelings is not only shameful, but also dangerous.

In this way,  the man who still lives under the influence of that intrusive mother will continue to show strong emotional containment, the same which in many cases can lead to various psychological disorders.

Hostility

An intrusive mother always generates an insecure attachment. A bond in which the child has not been emotionally validated and often exhibits aggressive or hostile behavior. This trait usually marks a marked difference (on average) with women.

The man raised with this dynamic can show exaggerated reactions in certain situations, in which he loses control and reacts with anger. His ability to manage emotions is nil or very lacking.

Frustrated relationships and self-boycotts

Intrusive mothers view their children as personal property. This toxic link has serious implications for the child’s emotional development, for his psychological maturation, his independence, his ability to make decisions … And an obvious consequence is the obvious difficulty in establishing an intimacy and an authentic emotional connection with a loving partner.

It is therefore normal for the mother not to hesitate to show off the cleverest tricks to thwart any attempt by the child to have his own space, to build an independent and happy life with another person. It generates neurosis, constantly raising doubts in the child who boycots himself almost to the point of ruining any relationship.

It is important to point out an obvious point: men are less likely to seek help and, therefore, to go to therapy. Although inside they carry a considerable amount of suffering, their capacity for denial is immense. Adult children of intrusive mothers are therefore a segment of the population that requires specific help and we, as a society, have the task of facilitating it.