The Destructive Pride Of The Borderline Personality

Borderline personality, or borderline personality disorder (BPD), is a diagnostic entity that encompasses a range of symptoms, such as impulsivity, emotional instability, low self-esteem, and a feeling of emptiness. In addition to these manifestations, which are the most typical, we find others which, although they do not appear in the diagnostic criteria, have been observed in most patients. One of these elements is destructive pride.

Patients with BPD generally have great sensitivity. The emotional pain experienced by an event, which in most people would be simply annoying, is experienced by them in an intense and heartbreaking way.

As a protection mechanism, the borderline personality uses the mask of “false self-esteem”. Through this disguise, used in the context of interpersonal relationships they play the role of holders of absolute truth, while all others are in the wrong.

In reality, what lies beneath the mask is nothing but the profound fear of being hurt by criticism or being contradicted. In this regard, they try to convince others that they are wrong and feel frustrated when they cannot change or correct a view of others that they believe to be wrong. They cannot tolerate contrary opinions, because they are inflexible in that regard.

They are perceived as people with great airs of superiority, who always try to impose their vision of reality, without letting others express freely. This, of course, ends up alienating friends and relatives.

Where does destructive pride originate?

Generally, the protection mechanism is aimed at concealing the wounds of the past, especially those of childhood. Borderline personalities usually had a very sad childhood. As children they felt ignored by their parents, abandoned or too criticized. The constant search for one’s own value through the devaluation of others has its origins in those childhood episodes in which they felt undervalued.

An extremely critical environment can be assimilated in many different ways by the child, and some of them are known to compensate for this feeling of humiliation with the mask of destructive pride. A strategy so that no one can hurt them again like when they were little.

In this sense, it is important for the BPD patient to understand that that adult so full of pride and aggression is hiding only a wounded and caged child. Anger does not allow the wounds of the past to heal. It’s just a patch that comes off all the time.

What can be done in the present?

Understanding where destructive pride comes from is just the starting point. It is necessary to carry out constant and strenuous work in the present. There are some strategies that can help in fighting destructive pride.

One of these techniques is to ask the closest people to send emails or messages in which to write to the patient some of the positive and other negative qualities they think he has.

The need for self-affirmation goes hand in hand with the lack of active listening to the opinions of others. Through this technique, therefore, the patient with BPD is invited – in the absence of the other – to ask himself questions such as: isn’t it curious that five people share the same idea about me? Why can’t I tolerate someone having a different opinion of me? What positive lessons can I draw from all of this?

Strategies for Mitigating Destructive Pride

Everyday situations are another area of ​​pride work. The goal is for the person to become aware of the mental and bodily activation to which he is subjected (tension, rumination, fast breathing…) when someone criticizes him. Once this is achieved, the second will be to wait a few minutes before giving an answer.

Once this is achieved, it is important to avoid engaging in a conversation with aggressive or tense body language. The face should be relaxed, accompanied by a slight smile, and maintain eye contact, not in an intimidating way. Also, moving your arms or legs too much or speaking quickly or imperatively is of no use.

The patient can respond by starting the sentence with a “I believe / think / find that …” or by trying to find something in common with the criticism “I agree with you that …”. Absolutist tones and sharp words should be avoided. Obviously, even the generic condemnation of the other is not recommended, even if I do not agree with him.

If the patient with BPD will make an effort to respect and follow these steps, he can easily see how others will begin to interact with him in a different way. They will be more empathetic, more receptive, and willing to share more time with him.